Rearing it's ugly head.

Perfectionism.
I've mentioned this word in a previous post, but it comes up more than we care to admit.

A good friend of mine who is a grad school student came over for lunch today.  We talked about the various deadlines and papers and expectations she has for herself, and then she asked me this question:
What's the difference between perfectionism and excellence?
    I answered her, "Freedom". 
  
  When we do things excellently, not that there isn't hard work, deep research, effort, and demand involved, etc., but there's a freedom that comes along with it.  A freedom that takes part in a job well done, but can let go of ego, or let go of the ways in which we falsely identify ourselves.  Excellence says more about how well we know ourselves, without the entanglement of judgement--a judgement that we often place upon others, and a criticism we often place upon ourselves.  Excellence celebrates, while leaving room for growth, and we all know that perfectionism is debilitating.  I think I would go so far as to say that perfectionism is self-indulgent.  Not that we shouldn't care about a doing a wonderful job as a parent, a spouse, a student, an artist, but we should not do it at the expense of our relationships.  1.) the relationship we have with our own lives, and 2.) how we interact with others.  Perfectionism seems to demand the position of I SHOULD KNOW IT and I ALREADY KNOW IT.  And it can demand that from others.  Perfectionism doesn't leave room to be real human beings with sometimes goofy and misshapen ways of communicating and learning, presenting and executing. It doesn't leave room for time and maturation and the breathing room of growth.  It doesn't leave room for humor and understanding.

I would want for my friend, and even myself, to not just be a production of a "perfect" paper, or even in a larger sense, a "perfect" human being--because really who likes to be around those kind of people anyway?;-) 
Again, go be excellent.  It's a lot lighter load to bear and a lot more fun to be around:-).
   

A wonderful act of love.

I went on a prayer walk in a lovely neighborhood today.  My husband and I have been dealing with lots of difficulties regarding his job lately and he was going to be speaking with his boss at the same time I went to walking.  So I prayed for him at this time, and I had other friend's also pray for him.  As I walked along I quickly crossed the street when I saw a blooming bush full of lilacs.  I grew up with two huge lilac bushes in our yard in Michigan.  My dad's girlfriend's daughter and I would play "house" underneath their bending limbs.  I was immediately sent back there when I inhaled their scent. I wept and stood there a little while.  These are some of my favorite flowers, and I knew God was listening.  As I began to walk on, a woman in a wheelchair pushed open the front door of her house and called out to me (these lilac bushes where hers) and said, "If you'd like to cut some, you may.  I have an even bigger bush in the backyard and my son just cut me some for a vase, so there's plenty.  Take some!"  I had no idea that she had been watching.  I thanked her with a shaky voice of gratitude and broke off two small branches for myself.  I held this bouquet close to my chest like I was a bride so I could smell them as I walked.  I told myself that I would give them away to bless someone, because I simply had been so surprised and blessed.  So further along on my walk, I see two women, what seemed to be a mother and daughter, at a bus stop.  The older woman starts speaking very expressively in spanish while looking at my bouquet, and she says to me, "They are beautiful."  I said to her, "They are yours."  The young woman looked at the older woman's face and took in the delight.  I hear the woman with the flowers now in her hand say to me as I walk away, "Thank you. Thank you!"
  God has been speaking to me a lot about generousity lately.  I hope to listen well.  He listens well to me.

Navigating something that shouldn't be so hard.

I have read writers who have said, "Write for writing's sake."  Or, "Write because it must be done."  "Write because you will not be true to yourself if you do not."  "Write if no one in the world reads it."  And I hear them encouraging themselves, prodding themselves (and others) along with these words, but I have yet to hear my own conviction.  Where is my conviction?  I have had friend's and teachers who have said, "You just have to write!"  But I have to ask myself where does my motivation come from, or in most cases, why does it seem that I have none?  I say I love to write, but where is my proof?  I say that I miss writing, but why do I leave myself alone without it?  I can honestly say I have asked myself if it has just been a phase in my life that I have now just passed through.  There are so many things that I could say to that, but here are just a few:

1.) I really do prescribe to the writers who say they "must" write, so even though I may not be consistent in my poetry, I have been journaling for over 20 years.  Proof of this is under our guest bedroom bed.

2.) I began to feel a little insecure by doing this nonsensical comparison between me and some friend's of mine who also keep a blog.  They have lots and lots of "followers".  Not that I do not absolutely appreciate my three,  [You three are PRECIOUS!] but three is less than 93:-).  BUT then I asked myself why do I write a blog?  And I really do it because I need an outlet like this.  My journal is good, but this is good, too.  So I do it because I have to.  Again, a must.

3.)  Probably most important, I need to not take myself so seriously sometimes.  Like when I ask myself if writing is a stage or should I stop writing because I do not have a million followers;-), I have to give myself a little bit of room and go back to 1. and 2. to remember.

  It's like any good relationship--you must tend to it, care for it, examine it, serve it, let it breath, remember it, and give it the gift of your time and energy.  And on the other side, you see how worth it it all is.

On my flight back home.

I just got back from A MOST WONDERFUL getaway with 6 of some of THE LOVELIEST women I know.  These are friend's I made my freshman year in college 17 years ago!!!!  I have loved them for many, many years, but what was so delightfully even better than expected was the fact that I super admire the women they are now, and the women they are growing to be.  They are hardworking mama's, sincere and earnest wives, thoughtful friend's, women who are loyal, fantastic and the list goes on.  I got to drink wine with them, pray with them, laugh with them, hug them, be myself with them.  Balm from Gilead-deliciousness.
  On my flight back home, strangely enough, I sat next to an old friend of Ess Gee's and I whom we had not seen for at least two years.  As he and I were talking, he brought up a quote his father gave him that essentially said this, "You are a reflection of five of the closest people you know."  And I know I've always said, "You attract what you are."  Hee, hee.  This gives me all kinds of hope.  I so love the friends of my right hand.  I really do hope to reflect you all in so many ways.