List of things to do.

These were the things I desperately wanted to do today.
Snip off the dead flowers from my coreopsis plants.
Miracle Grow feed my baby trees that are planted in pots.
Get the old toenail polish off my nails. YUCK!
Shave my legs.
Clean my ears.
Get the dishes out of my kitchen sink.
Grocery shop.
Buy an itunes card.
Burn a Going to Asheville for Memorial Day Weekend cd.
Cut off some of my fresh basil and make pesto.
Work on a poem.
Pick up Anne Lamott's new book that I have on hold at the library.
Copy down a qoute that I loved about the word "wonder".
Take pictures of a collage I did on my idea of prayer.
Share that picture with you.
I did a quarter of these things. The rest will have to wait. The world spins on:-).
If I don't get to another blog post before Memorial Day weekend I want to make sure to tell you--be sure to thank a veteran...this holiday is about them.

Simply because we need it.

I guess I'm just gonna write about a word that has mattered much to me in the past couple of months. The word is "with". Really, with "with" I've had a love affair with that word for far more years than I can remember, but it's coming back in drove's lately.

I think it might just be one of the more powerful words of any language.

I was in therapy for a year shortly after I moved to North Carolina. I sat on the sofa five feet from my therapist in his chair, and it wasn't until he said, "I will do this with you" did I even recognize he was in the same room. Lots of my life was what I called island-living. Not the tropics, but in the way I operated. I was my own island, or at least I thought I was. I operated on a completely disfunctional set of of too many "I's". I will do it...I will handle it...I will take it...I will manage it...I will find it...I will, get it? I thought I had every reason to be this way. I am a first-born. I fight with perfectionism. I was a nuerotic-caregiver making sure all parties involved were fine, good, dandy. But me, as for fine, good, dandy, I wasn't. I was in need. And for my therapist to say, "I will do this with you" was incredible. He said "with" and it was like I didn't need to suck my gut in any more. His withness helped me be more honest. I didn't have to act like I didn't have problems/issues/needs. That probably took more courage for me to muster up than I even now realize. My best friend said to me when we would talk about our future husbands, I hope he is someone who can be strong for you, since you so often are strong for everybody else. So when Ess Gee came in and loved me and said he was willing to commit with me for life, I was bowled over. Another triumphant WITH. And I don't think it's any coincidence when God calls himself Emmanuel, literally "God with us", he really wants us to know "with" in that kind of way, too. The "with" that helps us be more honest, let our bellies out, shows us we are not islands and we are not alone.

Pulling a Paul...I do the things I do not wish to do, and the things I wish to do, I do not do.

Since my last post, in my own tiny world, a friend's baby has been born, a friend's father has died, friend's have gotten engaged, friend's have gotten pregnant, my husband hiked most of Southeast Utah, I've been to Chicago and back, I've seen three movies, I've probably been to Starbuck's more times than I care to admit, and I finally finished a poem. So strange when you type out life like that...deeply heavy things to the lightest weights. Such a funny, hard chasm sometimes. There's lots more I could add, but it could get overwhelming. Good thing God created days, or at least the need for sleep. It's nice to have something that ends, gives us a small break, and then begins again. OR vise-versa. That can be trusted.
Maybe this list, and the act of listing, is what brings me to these questions and my inability to answer them [while answering them]. (I don't wish to be too dramatic, but humor me.) My questions are these: What are some important things to me that bring me joy? And why am I not doing them? I asked myself this while I was in Chicago. I wrote down some of the things that I love, but do not do enough of. Such as: Writing poetry. Singing. Talking to my grandmother. Talking with my dad. Praying with friends. Sending packages. Simple enough, right? Each one listed is none too expensive, none too extensive, none too much in need of an explosive amount of energy. So this is where I begin to wonder just how invested I am in these things...how true to me are they, IF I am not doing them? For example...I've said [for awhile now], "Oh, I have always wanted to join a yoga class." Well, for the past 6 months, I've had full access to a yoga class and yoga classes, with times that work for my schedule, BUT I have not gone. So I think to myself, "Hmph. I must not really want to do this thing that I have said that I have always wanted to do, otherwise I would do it, right?" OR, my mother would be pleased by this, I want to get back into playing piano. I've done some research for purchasing a keyboard, but nothing that I would move forward in, so I think, do I really want to play piano again? I think about this same thing in finishing off my four-year degree, or taking a culinary class, or joining a volleyball league...I say I want these things, but my life does not match up. Not only does my life not match up, perhaps even the steps I am taking don't even move in the direction of the things I wish for. Now, I give myself room for grace in life, with time, with accomodating not just my life, but my life as a wife, and as a part-time employed person. I give myself grace as a woman who enjoys the occasional DVD/movie and the occasional unthinking latte break. There's room for this. And I typically do not operate so plainly in black and white, aka "if this equals this, then, of course(!), this equals this". But these questions do make me look at life differently, if not better. I do want my actions to match my words, my heart. Life can be chasmatic, but doesn't mean I have to be, right? I like May. It's teaching me a lot.