I am not sure where Outside Magazine gets their information, but in its October 2013 edition it states in an article addressing 0 to 20 year old people "most of the habits we establish before age 19 we carry with us through life".
I thought this was super interesting. It made me think of belief systems we may have established before 19, habits of thoughts about ourselves, God, our families, or habits we formed with exercise or eating or with friendships or pressing on the gas in our mom's minivan.
Let's see--I habitually exercised then, be it running for track in 9th grade or playing volleyball sophomore and junior year in high school, or jumping on our huge trampoline in the backyard or swimming in our pool or skiing and hiking...I still exercise now. I wrote a lot in my journal (since 6th grade and maybe earlier, I just didn't save the journals before then), I still write now.
I'm sure I could think on this some more and most likely will, but I'd thought I'd throw it out there. It might bring some clarity as to why you may think and/or do the things you do--it coulda been a habitual thought/word/deed when you were somewhere between 0 to 19:-).
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Turning the soil...and good-bye summer.
This day marks the last day of my staycation. Some plans fell through and closer to last minute I wound up with five days mostly to myself...no work to go to, no out-of-town family to attend, and Ess Gee has had a lot of school and work, so I have had a lot of time alone.
I listened to sermons on-line and took notes, I bought music and listened to music, I wrote, I read, I walked the dog, I worked on the yard, I watched shows on competitive tattooing:-), I even prayed, like a real deep prayer once or twice, where I felt like I touched down on holy ground maybe just a little.
And I am a little ashamed to say the stuff I uncovered about myself has not been pretty and it has not been flattering. I was surprised at the kind of life I live under. There's far too much caring about what other people think, there's far too many excuses for areas I need not even excuse. I'd explain that here, but then I am afraid it would look like I am doing exactly what I do not want to be doing. Basically, I really am okay with the material things I have in my life (or lack thereof) and I am okay with the choices I make in re: to my life, but because it looks very, very different than some other folks, I squirm a little in their presence, and I overexplain in their presence, when I need not worry about any this. I worry about getting the right kind of hazelnut creamer for my sister-in-law when she visits and/or will my life resume look like I've done enough with all my free time? Ya' know, that kind of stuff. Will I be judged (?) kind of stuff. So there's that:-). It feels like scales, big, gnarly scales that just need to fall off, so I can live free and okay without the perfectionism in there that lies to me and says it all needs to be set, explained, taken care of=like there's nothing in process, it's all fine and done, and there's no need for grace because we're all good here. I pride myself on living honestly. I do. But when things like this come to the surface, I become the antithesis of my hopes. It's pretty ugly.
And then there's the trying thing. I realize I don't put myself out there for a few reasons, 1.) I don't want to look lame if I don't get that job or make that team or come out on top, and 2.) If I try things and people do say "yes" to me, then what if I overcommit myself? Will I have the energy to keep this up? Will I have the strength to keep going? I have a sense of humor about many things, but I don't grant this for myself. I think I have become far too serious. Perfectionism leaves little to no room for being a student. It doesn't leave room for God to work and maybe even surprise me with more energy than I thought I'd have or more downtime than I'd thought I'd have. I am a fool who has it all figured out and this is so debilitating.
Lastly, I have also caught myself not speaking up. I have been in the presence of some covert and not so covert racism. Originally, I think it's because I was so surprised by it my tongue was a little tied, but now that I am realizing it's there and doesn't seem to be going anywhere, I need to question it, question the persons, the situations, but not after the situation, during. Sara Bareilles sings a song called Brave http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4. You can watch it on Youtube. I have. About 12 times. I super am in love with her hair, but her words are good, too.
I'm closing shop on summer. I am ready to. I make up all kinds of excuses for my reasons why I am slow to things, but I am ready to give those up. I think I need a good shove out the plane. I think I need to be brave.
I listened to sermons on-line and took notes, I bought music and listened to music, I wrote, I read, I walked the dog, I worked on the yard, I watched shows on competitive tattooing:-), I even prayed, like a real deep prayer once or twice, where I felt like I touched down on holy ground maybe just a little.
And I am a little ashamed to say the stuff I uncovered about myself has not been pretty and it has not been flattering. I was surprised at the kind of life I live under. There's far too much caring about what other people think, there's far too many excuses for areas I need not even excuse. I'd explain that here, but then I am afraid it would look like I am doing exactly what I do not want to be doing. Basically, I really am okay with the material things I have in my life (or lack thereof) and I am okay with the choices I make in re: to my life, but because it looks very, very different than some other folks, I squirm a little in their presence, and I overexplain in their presence, when I need not worry about any this. I worry about getting the right kind of hazelnut creamer for my sister-in-law when she visits and/or will my life resume look like I've done enough with all my free time? Ya' know, that kind of stuff. Will I be judged (?) kind of stuff. So there's that:-). It feels like scales, big, gnarly scales that just need to fall off, so I can live free and okay without the perfectionism in there that lies to me and says it all needs to be set, explained, taken care of=like there's nothing in process, it's all fine and done, and there's no need for grace because we're all good here. I pride myself on living honestly. I do. But when things like this come to the surface, I become the antithesis of my hopes. It's pretty ugly.
And then there's the trying thing. I realize I don't put myself out there for a few reasons, 1.) I don't want to look lame if I don't get that job or make that team or come out on top, and 2.) If I try things and people do say "yes" to me, then what if I overcommit myself? Will I have the energy to keep this up? Will I have the strength to keep going? I have a sense of humor about many things, but I don't grant this for myself. I think I have become far too serious. Perfectionism leaves little to no room for being a student. It doesn't leave room for God to work and maybe even surprise me with more energy than I thought I'd have or more downtime than I'd thought I'd have. I am a fool who has it all figured out and this is so debilitating.
Lastly, I have also caught myself not speaking up. I have been in the presence of some covert and not so covert racism. Originally, I think it's because I was so surprised by it my tongue was a little tied, but now that I am realizing it's there and doesn't seem to be going anywhere, I need to question it, question the persons, the situations, but not after the situation, during. Sara Bareilles sings a song called Brave http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4. You can watch it on Youtube. I have. About 12 times. I super am in love with her hair, but her words are good, too.
I'm closing shop on summer. I am ready to. I make up all kinds of excuses for my reasons why I am slow to things, but I am ready to give those up. I think I need a good shove out the plane. I think I need to be brave.
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