Seek and You will Find.

I have been on this strange kick lately in regards to maturity. Something different is going on in this 35 year old woman's head, and I can't quite put my finger on the pulse of it. It's essentially this: The good techniques I learned, and the tools I utilized when I was younger (even by only a few years) were GREAT for the decisions I made then or the way I lived my life then, BUT those great tools are not enough, or it, for the me of right now.


I grew up in a home that laid things out pretty black and white, and through time I got the grey's, I've understood them, I've related to them, but at this age, I feel this need to say, "Yeh, that one thing is not right, and not only is it not right by me, it's not right, period." In some ways I have done a disservice to myself when I let some things go left unsaid. I do a disservice to my faith and to the super great God I love. I think, at times, I've confused being good/nice, with not speaking up, and I am tired of the confusion because then I cannot be myself, and I get lost. I want to be found.


I was talking with a friend of mine who says that the world, at one time, needed wars, almost commanded them--for those here on the planet were not mature enough in their spiritual development to get to where they needed to be without them. He says now we are further along in our emotional, mental development as a people that we have to choose a different way to solve problems. He also said that what we have accomplished over the past 50 years technologically, has been the most this world has ever seen. And while we have come a long way from where we have been, we now have to catch up our spirits to our great creative technical minds...and hopefully, bypass them. He asked me a good question after we talked more about this subject...he said, "Are we growing spiritually?" And I want to answer, "Yes".

Missing out.

I feel myself trying to control the details and I miss out on the blessing. I feel myself overwhelmed by the unknown and I miss out on just trying to love now. I feel myself trying to protect my life and I miss out on the message that it ain't about me. I do a lot of my life with my hands out, feeling for the things around me, and then taking such small steps to keep myself contained. But what I am realizing is that maybe I'm gonna have to get a little messier, feel a little bit more speed, and stop digging my heels in the ground. My life feels hurried enough, and here's me trying to slow it down, but the ways in which I try are unsuccessful to my whole entire being. I think I'm gonna have to trust this God in ways unsure. One way in which I do that is by remembering his name. Faithful One. The Rock. I somehow have to link this very obtuse woman to a very acute God.

Suburbia kid sightings make me smile.

Yesterday, rounds a corner, a brown colored minivan with said driver wearing the kind of sunglasses that you would get from a mail-in rebate Banana Boat Sunscreen lotion purchase. Eighties, neon, huge. What appeared to be his mother in the passenger seat:-). I was reminded of when my family rented a minivan and drove cross-country for a family vacation. My dad let me drive the interstate with my permit. I was freaked out to pass a semi-truck.

Ess Gee and I were at Barnes and Noble in Cary the other night. Millions of teenagers flocked tables. The mall closes earlier than Barnes and Noble.

It was good while it lasted, but I'm really glad to be growing up.

There is no such thing as...

perfect. There isn't. I don't know if that was something our Puritanical ancestors wanted to burn into our skulls and so we've been combatting the impossiblity of it in our faith, in our work, in our own personal time line to things, in how we view ourselves physically, mentally, but I honestly do not believe there is such a thing as to what the word "perfect" means. I, at one time, wrote a paper on the origin of the word "cool", why we use it like we do and it's life through the decades. But I now think I would like to write a paper on the origin of "perfect." I know if we removed it from our vocabulary, there would easily enter another word to take it's place and put the same kind of falsified pressure on the human race, so I don't think the removal of the word is the answer. I'm not sure what I would do to it...yet.

I hear a lot of woman say, "Well, this is not where I thought I would be." Because somewhere in their "perfect" timeline to their life, how they are living now, where they are living now, does not match with where they thought they would be. I guess this has more to do with expectations, BUT where do these expections come from...from someone else's idea of perfect. Where do we get the whole saga of the American Dream...two point two kids and a two car garage and a white picket fence...someone else's idea of perfection. I was having this email conversation with a young woman who is a full-time student, but is in desperate need of a full-time job. She doesn't want to quit school in fear that she will not go back. I had a great big chuckle at my own experience of school. If I break it down, really, it took me from 1994 to 2007 to get my two year degree. I love it!! There is no shame in this, because it is mine. It is how I played out with life, and life played out with me. The point is, it is done.

I don't know. Drop kick perfect. There's no such thing. Stick with being an original. Stick with listening to you. Be creative with what life hands you. We only do it once. Do it well. Not perfect.