I will be so presumptuous.

I wasn't sure how to write about this. I wasn't sure if I could make this come across the way I wished for it to, but I thought I'd give it a try.
I was with a friend the other day and we were talking about ways in which we remind ourselves we are loved and cared for by God. Those words--loved and cared for--feel like they fall flat, even when I write them next to the name of God, particularly when I write them next to the name of God. They can sound deflated for lots and lots of reasons and experiences--overuse, disbelief, tragic sorrows, abuse, manipulation, shame, pain, etc., etc.. But when talking with this friend about grace, about forgiveness, about freedom (again, all words that can come unfortunately prepackaged) I felt myself gaining momentum on who God really is. [He might chuckle even as I write that.] I started telling my friend that I really think God is anxious for us to discover delights. He really is on his tippy-toes, saying to himself, "Oh, they are getting it! They are almost there!" And his hands are waving in front of his chest, excited for us to know him as he is. While I think God is patient with us, I do believe he is eager for us to get through things, so we can get to the sweet stuff of the otherside. He is with us in all processes. He is with us when we are the ones who cause our own undoing's. He is with us when someone or something causes them for us. But he LOVES it when we turn the corner's of our hardships and find rest and joy and peace and him on the otherside.

Hi! I'm Square Peg.

And meet Raleigh, my round hole.
I've been in Raleigh for three and a half years. I've been in the Triangle for a total of almost 10. Raleigh has been my most difficult fit since living here in NC. I'm not saying that I went into the experience of living in Raleigh with some great expectations and Raleigh fell short. I'm just saying I've lived here for some time now and Raleigh doesn't do it for me. And it's not to say that I haven't tried to plug into something in this city to make our relationship better. I've tried churches here, I've tried school here, I've tried neighborhoods here, and it might be me, but I do not seem to able to wear this city well. When I was saying this stuff outloud to a great friend, this friend said something great to me. It went like this, "I hate to break it to you, but you are not going to fit into Raleigh. You can stop trying. You are going to be uncomfortable. You don't have to beat your head against the wall to make this city and you work. So in the meantime, look at it this way. It's an interim place, just temporary. Invite your friends over. Go out to eat at your favorite restaurants. Enjoy the people you know. And don't worry, you've got time to plan to move, and move wisely. No need to panic."
These words were like giving a captive woman freedom. It felt so good to realize I didn't have to make Raleigh happen. I didn't have to like it. You kinda feel like, "Well, we bought a home here, of course, we like it!" But, honestly, we weren't thinking of getting outta here when we bought it, we were just so stoked to have purchased a home. We weren't thinking we were going to be a 15 minutes or more (lots more) drive to any place worth driving to. We weren't thinking we would want to be closer to the mountains, like way closer, but we do.
Anyways, the moral of the story is, not that we shouldn't find contentment and thanksgiving for the things we are given, but not everybody is going to be your best friend, not everybody is going to like you, or you them. Some things can be left alone. In a way, that gives you a peace to live where you are and a direction to where you're going.

The Challenge of Being Uncomfortable

I used to hold my life together by the mantra, "I don't make goals. Life happens and they are never reached." This can be a pretty destructive mantra, but I must admit I decorated it well with "free-spirit", "personality" and "living life in the present"! It's now safe to say, growing up and owning up has done a fair job of shoving that mantra off a cliff, but I do recognize ways in which my life hides behind those words still. While I would like to think that I am still free-spirited, playful, spontanious, adventuresome, I do need to implement a friend of mine's phrase, "A little bit of structure can give someone a whole lotta freedom."
This weekend my hubbie has gone camping with the Army. Today, Saturday, and Sunday I do not have to work my regular job, but I do need to work on my life. While I love the couple that I work for, I hate the distance. (See! It's me with that distant/nearness thing again!) I need to spruce up the resume and send out the line to see if I can catch some more local jobs. The tediousness of this task will gratefully be accompanied with loud music playing and dance breaks, working on poetry, windows opened, a long walk, and a really cushiony seat. I started the day in prayer though. First lying on the sofa, then on my knees in the TV room, then on my feet in the TV room. I needed this outpouring for my friend's, my family, myself before I got on the horse of the day. And I have a funny, funny feeling that this day, this weekend, is gonna turn out better than I have imagined. More to come. Always more to come.

Jai-ism's.

Last night I got to speak with my 6-year-old niece out in California. She told me her Grandma Sweetie Pie, my mother, is going to be marrying off our family dog, an English Mastiff named Annie, to another English Mastiff, named Goliath. Annie will be having puppies. I know my mother wants to give Ess Gee and I one of her puppies, so I was asking my niece for name ideas. She vouched for either Sunshine or ChumChum. My mother piped in the background and offered Salami or Meatball...we are Italian, can you tell:-)? Tootsie Roll (my mother), Thor(my husband) and Uluff(my niece) were also tossed about. Clever, clever all the same. And then from out of the blue, my niece tells me this, "Did you know that an ostrich has a brain the size of a peanut?" And then she laughed. I did not know this, but I thought it would be a good piece of trivia to leave you with today.

Begrudgingly anecdotal.

I'm gonna sound incredibly trite in about two seconds, but, really, I think people just want to be cared for. And not to macrocosm my microcosm, but I will anyway--Because I love to be cared for, I'm sure others do, too.
I'm thinking of the woman I work for. She didn't want to get out of bed today, so I propped her up (part of her disease causes her to uncontrollably lean to the right), washed up her face, hands, cleaned under her nails, combed her hair, changed her gown, cleaned her reading glasses, made her breakfast, and touched her arm as I was telling her about babysitting our friend's 5 month old puppy over this Easter weekend. I left the room for a moment and the thought hit me, that here she is--unable to drive, walk, get to a fridge, bathroom, grocery store, so all she can do is wait to see how I will care for her...how I will meet the specific need, that is particular to her. I'm sure mother's and father's of mini-munchkins feel this way, too. These two things are sort of extreme examples of how people need to be cared for, but there are also the daily ordinary need/want of people who may not be in such big-like situations. My best friend from college knows I love receiving mail, so she makes sure she sends me a card on a pretty regular basis. She takes care of me, the very center part of me, that tells me someone is thinking of the things that I particularly love and they wish to show me that they know me by this. I try to do this for my husband...specific Ess Gee-ism's that make him feel known and cared for by me. And vise-versa. I know the woman I work for isn't a huge fan of commercials, but she records her favorite soaps and watches them all in one lump sum. So while I cannot stand watching these soaps with her, I will read in the other room and when I hear the commercial come on, I go into her room every time and fast forward through the commercial for her. Funny little thing to note, but she thanks me every time. The simplicity of that act makes me feel inferior in some ways. My job is not academic. My job is not clean, neat, nicely put away. My job is not creating drinkable water for a country in Africa. It's not flashy, educational, particularly extensive. I am reminded of the time our family sat around the table one Christmas Eve. I was with part of the family I didn't know all that well and I was a little intimidated by their world travels, their wealth, their studies. And we were playing this game of question asking, and the HUGE question came up of, "What is your purpose in life?" Or something like that. And each one of us went around and had to answer this. I said, feeling like Fivel on American Tail when he sings to the moon Somewhere Out There, "To love. And to love well." I don't know, perhaps the worldly accolades will come later;-), but right now I'm working on caring for folks, and working on doing this well.