Pulling a Paul...I do the things I do not wish to do, and the things I wish to do, I do not do.

Since my last post, in my own tiny world, a friend's baby has been born, a friend's father has died, friend's have gotten engaged, friend's have gotten pregnant, my husband hiked most of Southeast Utah, I've been to Chicago and back, I've seen three movies, I've probably been to Starbuck's more times than I care to admit, and I finally finished a poem. So strange when you type out life like that...deeply heavy things to the lightest weights. Such a funny, hard chasm sometimes. There's lots more I could add, but it could get overwhelming. Good thing God created days, or at least the need for sleep. It's nice to have something that ends, gives us a small break, and then begins again. OR vise-versa. That can be trusted.
Maybe this list, and the act of listing, is what brings me to these questions and my inability to answer them [while answering them]. (I don't wish to be too dramatic, but humor me.) My questions are these: What are some important things to me that bring me joy? And why am I not doing them? I asked myself this while I was in Chicago. I wrote down some of the things that I love, but do not do enough of. Such as: Writing poetry. Singing. Talking to my grandmother. Talking with my dad. Praying with friends. Sending packages. Simple enough, right? Each one listed is none too expensive, none too extensive, none too much in need of an explosive amount of energy. So this is where I begin to wonder just how invested I am in these things...how true to me are they, IF I am not doing them? For example...I've said [for awhile now], "Oh, I have always wanted to join a yoga class." Well, for the past 6 months, I've had full access to a yoga class and yoga classes, with times that work for my schedule, BUT I have not gone. So I think to myself, "Hmph. I must not really want to do this thing that I have said that I have always wanted to do, otherwise I would do it, right?" OR, my mother would be pleased by this, I want to get back into playing piano. I've done some research for purchasing a keyboard, but nothing that I would move forward in, so I think, do I really want to play piano again? I think about this same thing in finishing off my four-year degree, or taking a culinary class, or joining a volleyball league...I say I want these things, but my life does not match up. Not only does my life not match up, perhaps even the steps I am taking don't even move in the direction of the things I wish for. Now, I give myself room for grace in life, with time, with accomodating not just my life, but my life as a wife, and as a part-time employed person. I give myself grace as a woman who enjoys the occasional DVD/movie and the occasional unthinking latte break. There's room for this. And I typically do not operate so plainly in black and white, aka "if this equals this, then, of course(!), this equals this". But these questions do make me look at life differently, if not better. I do want my actions to match my words, my heart. Life can be chasmatic, but doesn't mean I have to be, right? I like May. It's teaching me a lot.