Turning the soil...and good-bye summer.

This day marks the last day of my staycation.  Some plans fell through and closer to last minute I wound up with five days mostly to myself...no work to go to, no out-of-town family to attend, and Ess Gee has had a  lot of school and work, so I have had a lot of time alone.
  I listened to sermons on-line and took notes, I bought music and listened to music, I wrote, I read, I walked the dog, I worked on the yard, I watched shows on competitive tattooing:-), I even prayed, like a real deep prayer once or twice, where I felt like I touched down on holy ground maybe just a little.
  And I am a little ashamed to say the stuff I uncovered about myself has not been pretty and it has not been flattering.  I was surprised at the kind of life I live under.  There's far too much caring about what other people think, there's far too many excuses for areas I need not even excuse.  I'd explain that here, but then I am afraid it would look like I am doing exactly what I do not want to be doing.  Basically, I really am okay with the material things I have in my life (or lack thereof) and I am okay with the choices I make in re: to my life, but because it looks very, very different than some other folks, I squirm a little in their presence, and I overexplain in their presence, when I need not worry about any this.  I worry about getting the right kind of hazelnut creamer for my sister-in-law when she visits and/or will my life resume look like I've done enough with all my free time?  Ya' know, that kind of stuff.  Will I be judged (?) kind of stuff.  So there's that:-).  It feels like scales, big, gnarly scales that just need to fall off, so I can live free and okay without the perfectionism in there that lies to me and says it all needs to be set, explained, taken care of=like there's nothing in process, it's all fine and done, and there's no need for grace because we're all good here.  I pride myself on living honestly. I do.  But when things like this come to the surface, I become the antithesis of my hopes.  It's pretty ugly.
  And then there's the trying thing.  I realize I don't put myself out there for a few reasons, 1.)  I don't want to look lame if I don't get that job or make that team or come out on top, and 2.) If I try things and people do say "yes" to me, then what if I overcommit myself?  Will I have the energy to keep this up?  Will I have the strength to keep going?  I have a sense of humor about many things, but I don't grant this for myself.  I think I have become far too serious.  Perfectionism leaves little to no room for being a student.  It doesn't leave room for God to work and maybe even surprise me with more energy than I thought I'd have or more downtime than I'd thought I'd have.  I am a fool who has it all figured out and this is so debilitating.
  Lastly, I have also caught myself not speaking up.  I have been in the presence of some covert and not so covert racism.  Originally, I think it's because I was so surprised by it my tongue was a little tied, but now that I am realizing it's there and doesn't seem to be going anywhere, I need to question it, question the persons, the situations, but not after the situation, during.  Sara Bareilles sings a song called Brave http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QUQsqBqxoR4.  You can watch it on Youtube.  I have.  About 12 times.  I super am in love with her hair, but her words are good, too.
  I'm closing shop on summer.  I am ready to. I make up all kinds of excuses for my reasons why I am slow to things, but I am ready to give those up.  I think I need a good shove out the plane.  I think I need to be brave.